The Awakening

I wanted to share an essay I wrote a while back that is soon to be published in a quarterly journal through Thought Collection Publishing. A combination of testimony and philosophy, growth and encouragement; this is a portion of my story. I am sharing this in hopes to reach someone that may be going through what I went through and to show them that there is nothing impossible with God! I hope you enjoy it. 

Introduction

How could I ever begin to describe the wonder of all that has transpired? How would it be possible to put into words the intensity of revelation that took the fragments of a worshiper turned junkie turned seeker into a whole? In short, the catalyst of true living can be summed up in one word, God; who took my brokenness and transformed it into a peace that is like no other.

The Loss

My Christian faith began when I was 15 years old and was very intense. I witnessed, I taught, I led a music ministry that had Christian hardcore bands play shows and reach the world; I was happy. Then tragedy hit. My faith was shaken, more so, my faith was demolished. I was shattered. I was broken and my once revered foundation was nowhere to be found. I turned to heavy drug use and promiscuity in an attempt to fill the void left from the refusal of allowing God to remain in my heart. I grew dark and detached. For years I tried to kill myself with more and more drugs only to grow a stronger and stronger tolerance… I was a thief and I was a pathetic excuse of a human being. After finally giving up the fight I sought help and gained sobriety in November of 2005. This is this is the result of circumstance where I began to seek.

The Search

For the past 9 years I have been on a mission of self-discovery. I have asked question upon question in attempt to find answers to the meaning of existence, to find out who I was and what I am here for, to find out what life is about and why it is worth living. All of my questions have been in vain. None of the answers I have discovered have resulted in anything but more questions and more detachment. I have studied various religions, many philosophies, scientific hypotheses…always looking for the real answer…yet the answer was never found. Underlying this search was always the internal tug for my heart to return back to my roots in Christianity and every time I began to entertain the faith I ran like hell. With each notion of entertainment there was a call to responsibility that I was unwilling to accept. This tug never left, through all of my searching and amidst all of my questions, the internal current of what once was continually beckoned my return. As a final act of attempted disillusion I once more made a bold declaration of my refusal to believe in Christ and again tried separating myself from the God of my youth. “I DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU!” This attempt was the end of the seeker.

The Awakening

The tugs grew stronger and stronger after my outright verbal denial and aggression towards God. Was this due to my decision of denial? It was as if my soul screamed even louder after my refusal to believe. I found myself unconsciously praying “God please, God help, God what should I do…” I decided my kids needed to be in church to benefit them, even if I don’t believe, it would be good for them; so we began going to church. I found myself less and less reading the words of my favorite philosophers, and instead opening a bible. All of these events were happening and I was unaware at the time that they were all connected. I would open the Word in an attempt to scoff or fuel my choice of unbelief, but instead it made me question whether or not I actually did believe.

On an average ordinary day, a day of no importance while I was lying in bed waiting to go to sleep, it happened. I had a spiritual experience with the living, breathing, invisible God and essentially a “come to Jesus” moment. This overwhelming, unavoidable presence of power enveloped me where I laid and while I was curled up in the fetal position I wept. I wept tears of sorrow, of shame and guilt; I wept tears of joy, of laughter, of peace and comfort. It was as if 15 years of pent up regression was released in that moment and I could finally breathe again. This is a moment in my life that I will never forget, that I will never shake, that I can never deny or write off as anything other than a flagrant move of the Holy Spirit capturing my heart into the love and relationship of Jesus Christ. It was then that I realized that it was no coincidence that I could not die from the enormous amounts of drugs I ingested. It was my testimony.

The Present

There are still many questions that I have regarding biblical issues that once warranted my excuses to deny my faith, however I have made the decision to take my focus off of them and onto the relationship and love that comes through walking with God. I focus on the real life experience and applications that the Word of God has imparted into my heart and on the radical changes that are taking place in my life and are evident in reality. I am a renewed person, I am a whole person, I am a child of the most high God and will never look back other than to share the testimony of how the Lord broke me and molded me into the spiritual warrior I am today. I am changed. I am happy. I have learned that my happiness is not found in philosophical concepts or a scientific hypotheses, but true happiness comes from faith and trust in a savior that will never leave nor forsake me, no matter how many times I turned my back on Him in the past. The words in this writing are nowhere close to defining the awakening that took this worshiper turned junkie turned seeker into a whole, but it’s my best attempt at it.

Miranda Embry